4:07 PM

Harrison Ford: Because I Can

Posted by Rebecca | Labels: , , ,

I was introduced to Star Wars the worst way possible. I was in my early double digits, sitting in a hotel room and these small teddy-bear things came onto the screen. Entranced, I watched the last hour of perhaps the greatest movie trilogy of all-time before I had seen anything that had come beforeit. I know. Blasphemy.

But it will make you all feel better to know that I eventually did go back to watch the rest of the trilogy and, thanks to perhaps the worst memory on the planet, I managed to completely forget that hour I had seen before. Sure, I remembered the teddy bears but WHAT? He’s his father? And HAN SOLO IS GOING TO DIE! In fact, I expressly remember calling my father at work sobbing at the end of Empire Strikes Back and him saying something like “I had to wait three years!” Fathers. But anyways, Star Wars managed to start me out on my first actor marathon (to be followed years later by the likes of Ewan McGregor and Michael Sheen). I wanted to watch every Harrison Ford movie ever made.Now a lot of people say that Ford is perhaps the worst popular actor of all time. Everyone loves him, but the guy can’t act. And although I may agree that it’s about time that Ford retire (cough*IndianaJonesandtheCrystalSkull*cough), I can’t agree that the guy didn’t have his moments. His great moments in fact. Here are my favorites:

5: Regarding Henry: This little-remembered film is one of the few Ford films that don’t revolve around being anaction hero. Instead he’s a creep of a lawyer that gets shot in the head and wakes up remembering nothing of who he used to be. It’s his most understated film in his list, which means that it’s some of his best acting.

4: Air Force One: I mean—it’s Air Force One. Perhaps I just love this one because it was my first R rated film and it made me feel old, or maybe it’s because I just really, really, really like this movie. It’s Ford being an action hero, but it’s Ford being a Presidential Action hero. And that’s really cool. Don’t we all, sorta, wish Obama was a little bit more like him?

3: Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark: Indiana Jones may be my favorite action hero of all time. You know what, scratch that, he is my favorite action hero. Consider the facts: He’s a smart historian who’s interesting in preserving the past. He battles the Nazis for control of the Ark of the Covenant. He has an obvious, fun weakness (why does it always have to be snakes?), and…well….he goes around wearing a really cool hat.

2. Empire Strikes Back: Han Solo. Need I say more? Sure, I will. Although people think that this is pretty standard fare for Harrison Ford, I believe that the Star Wars trilogy would have been less without him. Sure, I guess Tom Selleck might have been interesting (a mustached Han Solo? Let’s all think about this for a second), but Harrison Ford brought this roguish, fun angle to it.

1. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade: I’m watching this in the background as I type this blog post. It was supposed to be background noise as I worked, but…well…that didn’t really work. This is perhaps the movie that my family quotes to each other the most (INDIANA! Elsa never really believed in the grail.) But it’s also, I think, Harrison Ford at his best. A weathered hero who has to protect his family, stop the Nazis, and outwit three ancient traps. It’s brilliant. It’s epic.

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2:54 PM

Midnight In Paris

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In high school, I was forced to read both F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby and Ernest Hemingway’s A Farewell to Arms. While I will defend Gatsby and the brilliance of that book to my dying day, I have never been thankful to anyone for introducing me to A Farewell to Arms. Although people keep telling me that Hemingway’s shorter stuff is worth a read and that it will change my mind towards his writing style, I have decided to avoid him and his prose like the plague.

Also, I have a huge Gertrude Stein problem. Sure, I’ll admit that she was at the center of the Lost Generation’s Paris life-style and that she helped brilliant people when they weren't so brilliant, but has anyone actually sat down and read The Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas? It’s more than a little pretentious and a lot more than a little boring and it left me with a totally rational dislike for Stein and her writing.

So, imagine my delight, when I quickly realized that the movie I had innocently decided to go see because it involved Michael Sheen actually had not only the awesome Fitzgerald, but also Hemingway and Gertrude as main/pivotal characters. Midnight in Paris, Woody Allen’s latest film (and, by the way, the first Allen film Elizabeth has seen. I know. Shocking.), see’s Gil (Owen Wilson) stumble upon Paris in the 1920s. A writer who wants to be more than a hack, Gil Penderton finds himself among some of (arguably) history’s greatest authors and painters who, as one would expect, teach him more than just how to craft a good story.

As soon as my buddy Fitzgerald (played by Loki) came on screen for the first time, I knew that the film was going to be a keeper. However, perhaps the biggest surprise of the entire movie, is that Hemingway (Corey Stoll) made me fall in love with it. Allen (who both wrote and directed the film) captures Hemingway’s prose and thoughts about love, life, war, and women perfectly. As Hemingway rambles on with long, simple sentences, Wilson’s Gil can only stare on in awe but we, as an audience, find ourselves laughing in academic geek-ery. Kathy Bates’s Stein didn’t heal me of my dislike in quite the same way, although I can at least say that I found Stein tolerable here. The famous cameos continue with glimpses of Picasso, Matisse, Degas, and Dali (played by the extraordinary Adrian Brody who almost manages to steal the show from Sheen, Wilson, and Stoll with just one short scene) .

In the end, the Midnight in Paris plays out as a love letter to the city. At times poetic and always artistic, Allen paints for us a picture of a beautiful city with a glamorous and unique past. He sucks us in and leaves us wishing that we could turn a corner and find a bar containing the likes of Hemingway and Fitzgerald instead of a simple laundromat. There’s nothing terribly complex here, but it does leave you feeling enveloped in a cloud of nostalgic contentment

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4:32 PM

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Unfortunate Tides

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Before I begin, I should tell you from the start that I’m a fan of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. I’m sure that what I’m about to say will make it seem otherwise, but really--I like the first three movies a lot. I’m one of the few defenders of World’s End, Elizabeth and Will, and basically everything after Jack Sparrow says, “Now, bring me that horizon” at the end of the first movie. Just so we all have that clear.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is a fantastically boring disaster of a movie that will leave even the most devoted of fans (read: me) considering fleeing the theater rather than sleep through…err….watch the rest of the film. I know. Harsh. But it really is that bad. Twenty minutes in I was wondering how much longer this thing was going to drag on and, although I was pretty sure that there would be an ending scene after the credits, I fled rather than put up with Hans Zimmer for one more second. Let’s start with the new characters. Taking the lead is Penelope Cruz as Angelica who, well, exists solely to be a love interest for Jack Sparrow. She’s the daughter of Blackbeard (Ian McShane) whose pretty evil and, on top of all his evilness, has stolen the Black Pearl. On Blackbeard’s ship is a missionary whose name, IMDB has just informed me, is Philip (Sam Claflin). He eventually falls for a mermaid he names Syrena (Astrid Berges-Frisbey) and it‘s all crazy and open-ended. Philip is there because Will is off dealing with dead people and Syrena is there because Elizabeth is waiting for a green flash of light.

The thing about new character/enemies/young attractive people is that they have to be in some way likable/useful. I know a lot of people are down on Will and Elizabeth, but everyone can at least admit this: they had interesting moments and their characters created interesting moments for other characters. Jack’s friendship with the couple made him the person that he is by the time On Stranger Tide comes in. However, this movie’s new characters mainly seem to be part of some bizarre side-show to the main events. Philip and Syrena as people and characters barely affect Jack and Angelica doesn’t bring any of the passion or intensity that Elizabeth and Jack had. Blackbeard, for all his creepy powers, pales in comparison to our good friend Davy Jones. Jack never acts really afraid of him, so why should we?

No, the only moment when the movie shines is when it remembers its roots. An opening sword fighting scene reminiscent of Will and Jack’s first meeting makes you remember better days. There’s also a moment when Geoffrey Rush and Johnny Depp are actually allowed to act. By now, Depp is so comfortable playing Sparrow that it becomes glaringly obvious. He just needs to say :”savvy“ once in a while and we‘re all supposed to call it good. But there’s this moment when Barbossa describes losing the Black Pearl to Blackbeard and you smile--because this is a good moment. This is a moment when two captains share their love for a ship and connect as old mates. This is a moment where we can tell that Rush and Depp are high-caliber actors. But of course that moment passes and we’re back to overly-ridiculous escape plans and over-used gags because our smile even has a chance to fade.

Without the characters, the plot quickly loses control and as the action shifts from setting to setting, from sunny weather to foggy weather, from one character to another, from this bizarre directorial decision to that horrific musical choice, I quickly stopped caring. Because at least two more sequels are already in the works, I was pretty sure Jack was going to make it and I was equally as sure that Jack Davenport wasn’t going to rise from the dead, Orlando Bloom wasn’t going to arrive on his cool new ship, and Elizabeth and her son weren’t going to stop by to say hello. And you know what? I was predictably right.

Will I give the next one a chance? Probably. Remember, I’m a fan. Or I was. Now, however, I’ll have to add a caveat to it. Just like with Indiana Jones. “Well, I’m a fan of the first three.”

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7:18 PM

"Seeing Red" or "Oceans Five"

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Sometimes studios get the wonderful idea to throw together some really talented, famous, and well-liked actors and have them say lines from a script that somebody wrote. In the case of Red, the script came from a graphic novel (which, if I remember correctly, fans claimed the film butchered. But I haven’t read it so…) and the actors are Bruce Willis (he was in Armageddon), Dame Helen Mirren (she’s cool), Morgan “Fox” Freeman, John Melkovich (stuffs), and Brian Cox (aka Agamemnon). The before-mentioned names all play retired agents who realize that they’re being hunted down and must therefore un-retire. Hijinks ensue.

Rounding out the cast is Karl “Eomer” Urban as the bad guy. Urban never feels like a big threat however because you don’t cast Karl “Bones” Urban to be the “I’m a twisted, unsaveable villain who must die before the end of this movie.” You cast him as the hot and sympathetic family man that makes the audience say, “Oh can’t these peeps just get along?” Then there’s Mr. Holland, a guest appearance by Jeffrey Spender, and, the real problem of the movie, Mary-Louise Parker. Oh Mary Louise, why do I dislike you so? Perhaps it’s because of your lack of expression, perhaps it’s because you ruined the perfection that was The West Wing season three, or perhaps it’s because you are just really unlikable. To be honest, as soon as I saw her name in the opening credits I was more than a little tempted to turn the thing off and therefore avoid the whole having to watch her not-act thing, but her name came after everyone else’s so I thought she would be a bit part.

She wasn’t. In fact, she get’s into some sort of chemistry-less relationship with Willis’s character which means that she gets a lot, a lot, a lot of screen time. By halfway through I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry until she left. And she did leave, actually, for the best twenty minutes of the entire film. I have to ask myself, because I do, if I would have liked the relationship better if it hadn’t been Mary-Louise Parker and I doubt it. In some strange, yet fundamental way, the relationship just doesn’t work (character inconsistency baring most of the blame). Fear not, however, because Dame Helen Mirren is here and her story is by far the more interesting and more sweet.

But all joking and Mary Louise hating aside, the film was somewhat of a let-down. I guess I was hoping that it would be another Oceans 11, a trilogy that I love even though apparently I’m not supposed to. Where George Clooney keeps his movie going at a quick pace, Red seems to take forever to introduce the main characters and get them all together. It took over an hour for Helen Mirren to grace the screen which is itself a crime. I wanted the film to deserve these big names and I wanted to feel like these lords and lady of filmmaking had to at least put a little effort into their roles. But it was obvious that they didn’t; that all of them could have done this in their sleep. Believe it or not, the person that may have had to do the most acting was Julian McMahon (that guy from Nip/Tuck and Charmed). I know. Shocker.

So I guess I don’t know what to tell you about this one. There’s nothing memorable about it, and it depends too much on its big names to carry the day. But they are still big names and they are still fun to watch on screen. For all the Mary-Louise Parker there is a little bit of Helen Mirren. Red is a distraction, a nice two-hours that you can talk over with friends, but I don’t think that it’s anything more.

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2:11 PM

Nostalgia

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The other day, as Elizabeth and I watched the 1985 classic Witness, I couldn’t help but hear my father’s voice over entire scenes of Harrison Ford’s thriller: “Look what she does here---she fills his glass first,” “She how the Amish almost seem to rise-up out of the land,” “Now this is foreshadowing” and, of course, “Be careful out among the English.” I remember the nights when my dad would watch it for some reason or another and would let us all watch the barn raising scene, a scene that I believe I have watched more than any other in cinematic history. By the time I got around to watching the movie in its entirety, I already knew the entire basic plot because my father loved to tell it so much.


So as I watched it with Elizabeth, I couldn’t help but hold my breath during the barn raising scene and wait in anticipation for the epic closing shot. When it became pretty obvious that Elizabeth was not having the same feelings about Witness that I was, I was more than a little shocked. The first thought in my head was “How DARE she!?” followed by “I should never have shown her this movie.” She asked me if, had my father never loved this movie and if I had never seen it before, would I still have liked it now? And maybe I wouldn’t have. Maybe there are faults to the thing and maybe Harrison Ford really only does have three expressions (BTW: His role in Witness was his first and only Oscar nomination.) But for me, I can’t separate Witness from my memories and I wouldn’t want to.

In the end, perhaps most of the movies and books we read and loved as children quickly become a part of our nostalgia, a part of our lives that we never want to have tarnished or forgotten. We love them because of who we were or where we were at the time and therefore protect them as a piece of our history. Take, for example, the BBC version of C.S Lewis’s Chronicles of Narnia. Looking back at them now, they suck. A lot. The acting is atrocious, the adaptation too literal, and Aslan is some strange puppet/electronic thing that can barely open its mouth.But as a child, I couldn’t help but love those movies to death. Each Friday, my siblings and I would walk to Calvin College’s audio and electronic or something department and my dad would check us out a new one. I swear we just rotated them out for each other. (To be fair, however, we all knew from the very beginning that the Lucy actress was horrific. We still say “A badger, I’d love to see a badger!“ whenever anything Narnia-related comes up in conversation.) Even after all these years, when we saw Walden Media’s superior The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe, we all hoped to hear BBC’s old Narnia theme somewhere in the soundtrack.

The same can be said for an odd-assortment of Canadian or American children’s television shows. My grandmother lived in Toronto and, whenever we went to visit her, there were always a strange assortment of shows that we didn’t get at home waiting for us on her television.
Take for example, Zoobilee Zoo. Besides having perhaps the most fantastic opening sequence of anything that has ever come before or since, it’s basically about a bunch of grown-ups dressed up as animals doing stuff. The plots are somewhat of a distant memory, but that song tune is forever ingrained in my head (my older siblings could probably sing it to you, word for word, right now). The same can be said for The Polka Dot Door, Inspector Gadget, or Sharon Lois & Bram’s Elephant Show (famous for the song “Shinnamarink.” And yes, I can so do all the hand motions). Do these shows now look outdated if not somewhat disturbing? Maybe, but for me they still bring up memories of sitting around in Grammy’s house as she cooked something in the kitchen down the hall. Pretty soon, she’d call us to breakfast and we’d all run back and sneak around to our spots at the table and laugh and talk and laugh some more. In the end, these nostalgic parts of our past connect us to moments of time that are gone and people that we love who we’ve lost.

Movie to Watch: Witness. I swear it’s good.

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4:16 PM

Gray Oleander

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As I’ve been making my way through Netflix’s entire instant streaming collection, there’s been some duds--The Good German, for example. I lasted a grand total of twenty-two minutes before the pretentious boringness of chemistry-less cast and gimmicky direction finally drove me mad and to reruns of Community. (Besides, between you and me, I skipped to the ending and it is not at all like the book, which I have actually read. If you‘re going to adapt a book, at least keep the overall story and message of the book consistent.) When I scrolled past White Oleander, I had a feeling that I was in for another The Good German but for some reason, perhaps because my memory seemed to tell me that in some distant past it had actually gotten some buzz or perhaps because the lead actress (Alison Lohman) is from Matchstick Men (which I love) I watched it.

The basic plot follows Astrid, a teenage girl whose somewhat crazy mother (played by Michelle Pfeiffer in a role that, IMDB says, almost got her perhaps nominated for some sort of award) kills her boyfriend sending her to jail and her daughter (Lohman) to a series of foster homes and mother figures. There’s Robin Wright (doing a great January Jones impression), Renee Zellweger (sigh), and Woman-Who-Isn’t-On-The-Poster (but has an accent). All of this plot, however, has to be soaked in as much gray melodrama as possible. Voice-overs, flashbacks, long shots of white oleanders, symbolic lack of eggs in the fridge, you name your melodramatic pet peeve (mine happens to be the egg thing) and White Oleander has it. This gets annoying alarmingly fast to the point that, halfway through the first act, I was making up inner-head dialogue for most of the main characters. “I will hold this snow globe because it reminds me of my soon-to-be arrested mother.” “See this tear. I mean this tear. This tear will win me an Oscar nomination. Maybe.” “I don’t know who I am therefore I will stare into your EYES!”

As far as acting goes, Wright, Zellweger and Isn’t-On-The-Poster mainly just play characterizations, lacking any real-depth or screen time to make a lasting impact. Billy Connolly only made me think of “The BLACK SPOT!” and Noah Wyle’s casting was more distracting (it‘s that guy from The Librarian!) than anything else. Michelle Pfeiffer makes sure that we all know that she’s acting and acting hard. As far as Astrid, I couldn’t figure out, and I still can’t figure out, if I didn’t/don’t like her because of poor character development, because she was unlikable, or because of bad acting. In each new foster home that Astrid finds herself in, she changes her look and personality to match which is interesting and all, but in the end there is no consistent Astrid to critique or feel sympathetic towards. She picks to go to Isn’t-On-The-Poster’s trashy home instead of a nice, suburban foster home for some unexplained reason which made me finally just decide that Astrid was stupid.

I’m often to harsh on movies and make judgments too early on that then completely ruin a film’s chances to win me back. But I can’t believe that this film would be reviewed as well as it was overall, and it comes as no surprise to me that the director has done little to nothing interesting since. Don’t watch it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go check if there are eggs in the fridge. If there aren’t, that would be the Worst. Thing. Ever.

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11:20 AM

Escaping High School

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Most of my high school career is a big, black ball of nothing. Without getting into the gory details, what I haven’t repressed my bad memory has mostly taken care of. It was mostly horrible and was really close to being completely horrible. What makes it even worse, however, is that movies and television shows had taught me that high school was supposed to be the best time of my life. Sure I was going to go through some drama, but I was going to come out on top with the cute nerd whose actually really cool and popular holding my hand. My friends would have fights, but it would only strengthen our friendship and the whole movie would end with the before-mentioned hot guy and I sharing a perfect, romantic kiss as a pop song played in the background.

Let me put it another way. My high school career coincided with The OC when it was at its most popular. These were the days that on Wednesdays, or Tuesdays, or whatever day the show was on, I couldn’t walk into a classroom without seeing the blackboard decorated by my peers in such a way to remind me that the best show that has ever or will ever be had a new episode that night. I’ll admit it. I watched the show. And I have four seasons of the The OC on DVD back in my room in Michigan. In my defense, I watched the show before it was the popular thing to do and stopped as soon as it got strange and boring. Being the young, romantic, idealist I was, I thought for sure that my high school experience was going to be exactly like that of Ryan, Marissa, Seth, and….crap…what’s her name? Rachel Bilson’s character. Needless to say, it wasn’t.

So maybe I felt betrayed by The OC or maybe I grew up, but television shows and movies that are set in high school have never interested me since. (I don’t count Buffy the Vampire Slayer in this line because every rule has its exception and Joss Whedon can do no wrong. Except Dollhouse. Which just proves the before mentioned rule.) Those old 80’s films are just clichés, and I’m too old and to out-of-college to relate to something like say Hellcats (the pilot of which I lasted twenty minutes of). Besides, doesn’t it bother anyone else that anyone who acts in a high school movie/tv show is obviously in their early twenties? So, when someone who goes unremembered (sorry) told me to watch Easy A, I was pretty skeptical.

The movie centers around Olive (played by future Spiderman leading-lady Emma Stone) who for not-very complicated reasons eventually pretends to be the school slut. Eventually, however, she realizes that being the Hester of her school has some fallbacks. Also making appearances are Thomas Haden Church in, I am ashamed to admit, perhaps the only non-Spiderman role I’ve seen him in; Dan from Gossip Girl because he’s hip and hot; Amanda Bynes because what’s a movie like this without her; Fred Armisen because; and Stanley Tucci and Patricia Clarkson as perhaps the most awesome on-screen parents that have ever graced a movie set.

Far from being a movie for high schoolers, this is a movie for me. For those of, dare I say it, The OC generation. We’ve long past left the halls of our far-less-attractive schools behind, and, although we (as a collective, not me as an individual) are now nostalgic for those times gone by, we still have a sense of anger/resentment or “I’m too old for this” about movies set in high school. Olive even points this out and promises that this isn’t your average movie about high school (which it kinda is but not really. I’ll let it go.) At one point in the film, there’s actually a montage of all those old movies that only our generation would really know about. I swear my younger sister would be utterly confused for that entire scene. The script and the director puts a lampshade on almost every scene, making sure that the audience realizes that they know they’re making a movie set in high school.

Easy A is funny and at times even hilarious (see the before mentioned note about Tucci and Clarkson). It’s a movie that’s supposed to appeal to me and it does. I don’t think that I wasted an hour and a half of my life and, if I were richer, I may even eventually buy a copy of it. Maybe. Perhaps. Any real fault I find in it can almost certainly be traced back to what happened being that big, black ball of repressed nothing. So, for those who will admit to being a part of The OC generation and even for those who will never admit that they know where Ryan and Marissa had their first kiss (you are welcome for the link) watch Easy A.

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10:55 PM

I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means

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You’ve been there. You’re at a party, someone says something outrageous, and before you can clamp the imaginary hand over your mouth, you say, “Inconceivable!” Before you know it, you’ve started off a chain of Princess Bride quoting and nostalgia. After about three hours of this, you being to sympathize with Oppenheimer and think--“What have I done?” The truth of the matter is that mass media has forever tainted words and phrases, forcing your mind to make the connection almost against your will. This is our ever growing list of words we can’t say.

“Run” Glee may have little to no artistic value, but damn can it churn out a catchy cover. In the episode “Bad Reputation,” several of the characters try act differently than they usually do (you know, in their previous, totally consistent characterizations). For some reason, this involves singing a terrible, terrible hit from 1975--“Run, Joey, Run.” But now in the Schmitfer house, every time someone says “run,” this song must immediately be sung. Mulder’s getting backed into a dark alley by Krycek? “Run, Mulder, run!” Low on Hit Points in a video game? “Run, Shepard, run!” Accidentally turn on an episode of Glee? “Run, everyone, run!”

“Eagle” This one can be really annoying--especially because it’s one of those references that a lot of people may not know. Zach Braff’s “Eeeeeagle” can ruin a movie (like the new Channing Tatum movie that we weren’t planning to see but we could never actually see because every time they said “Eagle!” we would laugh), a scientific discussion about our national bird, or a car trip when one happens to see a bird out of the window that could possibly look a little bit like an eagle. We have yet to go the distance and actually do the Turk and JD routine, but it’s probably one of the greatest running gags on Scrubs.

“Maybe” As indecisive people, we say “maybe” a lot. And every time, this excellent Flight of the Conchords song must be sung.

“We’ll do that!”  from one of the greatest Star Trek films ever made, Galaxy Quest. This narrowly beats out, “Miners, not minors!”--what can we say, it’s a quotable film. But for sheer frequency, “We’ll do that!” wins. We say it any time we make a plan…or decide what to have for dinner.

“Delete” “Exterminate” “Assimilate” Damn Daleks, Cybermen, and Borg. If you guys ever got together, you could rule the world. And our vocabulary.

“3PO?!? Where could he be?!?!?!?” Ah, the dulcet whine of Luck Skywalker. This phrase has only increased in usage after Elizabeth named her Droid Incredible “C-3P0.” Whenever he gets lost, out pops an inevitable Mark Hamill impression. (BTW, yes, we name our inanimate objects. Deal with it.)

“Would You Kindly” Just the mention of this phrase gives us the shivers. We wouldn’t dare spoil this for anyone who hasn’t played the game, but Bioshock will forever ruin this phrase. And 50s music.

“…in the world.” Oh, Jeremy Clarkson. Need to comically overemphasize the greatness of something you love? Just tack on this phrase to your favorite superlative, and you’re good to go.

“Stop.  Pooping.” From Parks & Recreation’s “The Flu.” Now, whenever we look at Rob Lowe, that line is all that we can hear. This should make for interesting future West Wing viewing. “Mr. President: Stop. Pooping.”

“Blondie.” What’s wrong with a mildly amusing strip from the Sunday funnies, you ask? Oh, no, no, no. Every time we hear it, we think “Kiss me, James” from the Lost finale. It makes us cry. Every single time. Curse you Darlton.

“Doctor!” No, not a physician, THE Doctor. This moment in Doctor Who history lives in all fans heart as the time when John Barrowman could just not keep a straight face. The over-the-top ending to an otherwise pretty excellent season is more then a little groan-worthy, and tarnishes perhaps the best acting David Tennant does in the entire series five minutes later. The fact that Barrowman must have thought the same makes us smile every time the word comes up. BARROWMAN!!!

Bonus Word: Epidemic. ’Nuff said.

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6:19 PM

The Search For A New Franchise

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After the success of Pirates of the Caribbean, it was inevitable that something would come along that would try to capitalize on Johnny Depp’s success. Enter Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. It has the whole swashbuckling, adventure, PG-13 appeal that audiences loved in POTC…at least the Black Pearl. But, as one would very much expect, it hardly lives up to it’s half-brother.


The story, basically, is that as a young child Aladdin…err…Dastan (played by Jake Gyllenhaal) does some fancy moves escaping from some guards (you know, one jump ahead…) and is rewarded by becoming a prince of Persia. He grows up into his ruggedly handsome, yet still Caucasian self, finds a dagger that rewinds a minute of time, picks up an annoying princess, and gets framed for his father’s murder. It was a long day. He then has to avenge his father, fall in love with the annoying princess, stop Armageddon, and stay Caucasian for the rest of the movie. It’s a long movie.

The problems are outstandingly long
and not-very complicated. The banter between Aladdin and Annoying Princess does not involve one little bit of chemistry or humor or real writing. There is no stirring musical score by Klaus Badelt (Sorry Harry Gregson-Williams. I don’t blame you.) The special effects seem created to just sorta pass themselves off as authentic. Ben Kingsley is forced to play yet another villain. The movie gets pretty boring near the middle part when everything stops so our characters can tell us a couple of really long stories in which the barely-passable special effects kick into as much drive as they have. Basically--the movie doesn’t have a Jack Sparrow and it suffers mightily for it.

I haven’t actually placed the Prince of Persia video games, but I’ve watched my brother play the second one. It seemed/seems to me that the joy of the game is in figuring out a way to get across a collapsing corridor or use the knife in an exciting way. That doesn’t mean that it doesn’t have its cinematic moments (I remember thinking it was pretty exciting), but the story was sometimes the means to awesome fighting. It reminds me of the Assassins Creed video games that way. There’s a pretty cool story behind everything, but some of the best parts of it are the cool swordplay/jumping/swinging parts. All this is to say that a lot of the excitement of the game is lost when it’s transferred to the screen. There’s something far less fun and exciting about watching Jake Gyllenhaal run around and figure things rather than you as a video game player.

By about an hour into the film, I had pretty much reached a “blah blah stuff is happening wait is that an ostrich?” mindset. I was pretty sure that Aladdin was going to win the day and kiss Annoying Princess and had long since given up hope that Johnny Depp was going to make a guest, surprise appearance. So I did what I always do when I felt obligated to at least finish the movie--I played Tetris.

Movie To Watch: X-Files: Fight the Future. Seriously. It’s epic.

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